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Thoughts On Finally Finishing a Trilogy (and Hooking up my Brother with my Protagonist)

16 Oct

Hello bloggers! I know my blogs have been sporadic for a while, but I swear I have a good excuse. As I’ve mentioned probably a thousand times (and you’re most likely sick of hearing about it but I’m going to say it again), I was writing a fantasy trilogy. Well people (and maybe aliens, dogs, vampires, werewolves, shape shifters read this blog too), I’m thrilled to report that I finally finished it.

Wait, I’ll give you a minute to take that in.

I finished the trilogy. Complete. Donezo. One series. Three novels. 225,000 words. However you want to break it down, I’m done! You heard me?!!

I’M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woah, sorry about all of the exclamation points. I don’t want you to feel like I’m yelling at you. But, I feel slightly insane and mentally exhausted. I wrote 60 pages in the last two days, and I’m recovering.

I finished it yesterday, I’m just editing the last 50 pages of the third book right now. Ah, sigh, it feels so good to finally be free of this series. I thought it’d never end. And in the beginning, I never wanted it to end. I had a blast writing it, but after a while, other ideas started blowing around in my head and I almost felt like a prisoner to this series at times. I know my characters didn’t want the books to ever end, but I had to shut them up. I had to kill some of them (I still feel bad about that). But, now that it’s over, it’s truly bittersweet.

I had so much fun living in this world the last two years. But, towards the end, it became less fun and felt more like a chore. I did several crazy things throughout, like changing the perspective (I’d rather not remember that), but they were things that needed to be done.

You know what that means. It’s time to start querying agents again. But, I’ve decided this will be my last hoorah in querying. Originally, I had too much faith in this series to ever resort to self-publishing, but after a solid year of querying (far too early, so I understand the rejections), I’m going to try one more time. If I get rejected by an exhausted list of agents, I’m either going to self-publish or self-destruct. Either way, this series will be available to the public to read. I just want to share it with the world, no matter which way it happens.

I just have to give a shout-out to my fellow writers who have written or who are writing a series. Damn, talk about WORK! So much time, effort, work, brain farts, and actual farts go into this process. And it is truly a process. One that takes over your entire life, basically. I have a newfound respect for writers who write series. I can’t imagine writing, say 13 books for one series (shout out to Charlaine Harris, love you & your Sookie Stackhouse novels!).

Hmm, other exciting news…

Well, I started writing a new book. It’s…wait…don’t kill me. It’s a vampire book. I know! I’m so sorry! Some of you are probably so over the vampire thing. But, I have to admit, that I’m not. I love vampires. You probably noticed because my mention of Charlaine Harris. And I’m making it my personal mission to write a fresh, new vampire book. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking it’s almost impossible to come up with a fresh idea for a vampire book. But, I looked it up online, and nothing like it has ever been done before. Sorry, can’t spill the beans on what the idea is (because I’m afraid someone will steal it and I’m just so protective over my work in progress!). But, hopefully one day you can read it.

Umm…anything else…

I saw a black dog today wandering around the streets. I have a black dog, so, obviously I chased it down just to make sure it wasn’t my pooch going on a little adventure. Luckily for me, it wasn’t my dog. Unluckily for someone else, it was their dog. He didn’t have a collar on. And he was wet (rain). Some lady came running and I thought it was her dog, so I told her where he was. But it wasn’t her dog. Sigh. Where is this dog’s owner!??! The lady caught him and stayed with him, so I went home and ate French fries. What else was I supposed to do??? He was in good hands! And I was hungry!

Oh, also, I just have to share this because it was the highlight of my night yesterday. My brother came home and asked me if I had any hot new friends (a question he likes to ask every few months just to check) and I said yeah, my new protagonist. She’s hot as hell and such a smart ass. His response?

“Do you work with her? Who is she?”

….I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. I really thought I was going to pass out or pee in my pants. After I pulled myself together, I was thinking yeah, I just started working with her. And I can’t wait to get to know her better. But sadly for him, she’s fictional and won’t be having sex with him anytime soon.

The Natural Speed, Plus Problem Solving Tricks to Getting Sh#t Done.

7 Feb

 

 

B12. I’m going to say it one more time. B12. The Vitamin. Do you like energy but dislike taking drugs? If you like to get things done, have energy, and stay focused, but don’t want to take meth or Adderall, I suggest taking B12 Vitamins.

No, I’m not a paid sponsor. I just enjoy having energy and being able to get sh#t done.

Take a B12 and have some V8. Problem(s) solved!

Of course, this won’t cure the rest of the bullsh#t in your life. So, other problems will not be solved. But maybe you’ll have more energy to decide on things you need to decide on.

Also, while we’re on the subject of vitamins. Take some Vitamin C while you’re at it. Build up that immune system. The flu is going around, fool! Protect yo’self!

Of course, taking B12 and Vitamin C won’t help you actually get things done. You have to sit down and get them done. It has to be a conscious decision. You can’t rely on outside forces and supplements to change you, or motivate you. That has to come from within your deep, dark soul. Ha. Seriously though, I am so sick of people being unmotivated all the time. I know the weather sucks and it’s cold. But who cares, at least there’s not a tsunami happening.

Side note: I just spent a good 30-45 minutes salting the icy death trap leading to my house. I’m pretty sure the mailwoman didn’t deliver our mail today because she didn’t feel like slipping on the ice. I don’t blame her. I can’t lift the heavy bag of salt. So it was an entire back and forth to the car, loading up a pot with salt with a solo cup. Dumping the salt until I ran out. Going back to the car and filling the pot with more salt. And so on. Until the bag was light enough for me to lift.

Things in life happen like this. Problems will present themselves to us. It may seem complicated or impossible, but we have to figure out an alternative solution to get sh#t done.

I once dropped a ring down the sink drain at work. I was alone. No one was there to help me. I didn’t want to be the a$$hole who clogged the bathroom sink with a dollar store ring. So I found a solution. And although I may or may not have been electrocuted in the process, it worked.

We had a vacuum there. It basically ONLY had a long hose to suction sh#t up. So I plugged it in the bathroom, and put the hose on the drain. It sucked the ring right up. Problem solved.

And yes, if you’re wondering, I opened the grimy, dirty bag and got my ring out of the hairy, fuzzy, dirty mess. With my bare hand. Now that is courage. (Joking)

But really, in all seriousness, sh#t happens in life. What are you gonna do, give up when it does? No. We can’t. Because we’re human. We are “capable” of solving things. I use “capable” lightly, because I’ve seen a lot of people get stumped over silly things. I am no natural problem solver by any means. I have never been able to solve a rubik’s cube and I’m f#%&ing amazed when people do. My brothers are so good at putting sh#t together it baffles me. I’m terrible at math. I can’t build a house or even a bookshelf. But things that I am capable of doing, I do them. Because I’m not incapable of doing them. And that’s that.

Sh#t happens. If your worst problem of the day is that you ran out of conditioner while you were in the shower, your life doesn’t suck even though in that moment you think it does. If you ran out of socks, use a dirty pair. Who cares. 

Don’t look at life like it’s so hard that it’s nearly impossible. Because if it was easy and perfect, it wouldn’t be nearly as interesting. And we’d have nothing to write about. 

ExpHAIRience.

26 Jan

Exphairience: Experience in hairstyling. 

New Word? Think so. Tell me if you support the word or not. 

(Disregard the images. I don’t condone actually using animal heads in hairstyles and/or updo’s. or downdo’s. Another potential word.) 

 

 

Men Who Take Sh*ts like It’s An Experience.

23 Dec

To start off with this one, I want to just say that it’s probably a little outrageous and disturbing. But I can’t seem to get over the fact that when a man goes to take a sh*t, he sits in there for 30 minutes to an hour. What is this phenomenon? I have a theory. Or, several…

One. They’re pondering all of life’s mysteries, and sitting on the toilet helps them feel at ease with all of the stress and anxiety of the unknown. The closed door in the bathroom seems to close out all of their problems for that single experience. If he’s in there for two hours, he’s probably a really deep person.

Two. Maybe they have a nagging girlfriend or wife, and this is their ONLY alone time. Literally. If she doesn’t come in and ask him if he took out the garbage yet.

Three. Maybe they seriously are having a party in there.

Four. I’ve heard that taking a sh*t is the next best thing to having an orgasm. I don’t know why these two things are even compared or contrasted in a single statement because it feels dirty and wrong. I assure you, I didn’t make it up and I almost feel I should backspace and delete this one but it’s too late because admit it, it’s a little funny, even though it’s absolutely awkward to talk about and/or read for that matter. Did I just take it too far?

Five. Maybe, just maybe, they ran out of toilet paper. And they’re considering that old mantra ‘be a man, use your hand’, but there is a chance this may affect their self-worth in some way. And men are proud. They’d never tell us if they did…right?

Six. It’s a commitment, damn it! You said he never commits to ANYTHING!

*No men were harmed or tested in the making of this blog post. Toilet dreams are real. It’s happening. My apologies if I’ve offended anyone.

Ways to De-Stress After Your Boyfriend Pi$$es You Off!

15 Oct

Ways to De-Stress After A Fight

By  · On October 2, 2013

The men in our lives usually have a way to…err…piss us off! So what’s the best way to handle it? Well, you could choke him or slap him, but that’s not going to solve the issue. And it would probably just makes things worse. Here are some ways to de-stress after getting mad, REALLY mad!

1.     Go shopping. Find a pair of really cute shoes to take your mind off it.

2.     Eat some pasta. Carbs always help when you need some comfort. You might feel guilty afterwards for cheating on your diet, but at least you’re not cheating on your man.

3.     Snuggle with a puppy. How can you be mad when you’re holding an adorable little animal?

4.     Hit the gym. Boxing, anyone? Take out your stress on the punching bag, or in a really hard Zumba class. The endorphins you release will make you feel better. Sweat it out!

5.     Call your girlfriend to vent. Release the pent up frustration, even though, she might hold the phone away from her ear the entire half hour this conversation lasts.

6.     Clean something. Or do the opposite, throw things. Hey, whatever works, right?

7.     Take it out on a stranger. No wait, not this one. This is wrong.

8.     Go for a walk. Think the entire time. Clear your head. The steam will slowly release.

9.     B!tch at him about why you’re mad and repeat yourself ten thousand times. It will definitely make him listen and think you’re not a nagger.

10.  Eat some cake. Cake always helps. Then take a nap afterwards.

So if you find yourself wanting to scream, hit, slap or cry out of frustration, take a deep breath before you do. Have a V8. Do whatever you need to do to release the anger. Talk about the issue when you’re calmer. I promise, it will go smoother.

http://astoriawoman.com/love-sex/ways-to-de-stress-after-your-boyfriend-pies-you-off/

What it’s Like Being a Woman

28 Mar

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Since so many men have told me they’ve been reading my blog, I was shocked.  I’m surprised men read this stuff.  Maybe it’s to get a little insight into a woman’s mind?  Maybe they’re a little curious?  I figured I’d shed some light on what it’s like to be a woman.  Make you guys understand us a bit more. 

A typical day in the life of a typical woman:

We start the day off by cursing and throwing the alarm clock (IF we aren’t a morning person).  We roll out of bed looking like a monster (because we don’t wake up being as perfect and beautiful as we are when you see us, despite what Hollywood tells you).  We have coffee or tea, maybe a cigarette.  Get dressed and try to squeeze our jeans on. We then leave our house and proceed to get stared at and hit on all day long because men are just picturing us naked and thinking about having sex with us. 

That’s a typical day.  It gets annoying.  No, we don’t want to sleep with you.  Unless, of course, we do want to.  As a side note, we are probably just as horny and perverted as men are.  We just only talk about it with other women.  Some of us burp, fart, curse, smoke, drink and chill like men.  Maybe even more so than some men.  We aren’t as fragile as you think us to be.  We aren’t all damsels in distress.  Some of us might have a harder hit than you.  Not every girl fight involves pillows, hair pulling, and b*tch slaps.  Just because we have a vagina doesn’t mean we don’t have balls (figurative balls, of course).

But remember, all women are not your typical woman.  Please stop being a**holes in general, oh and buy us flowers and chocolate sometimes.  Or at least tell us you think about us. Daily. Just because we like that.  No matter what I tell you, you’ll probably never understand us.  But good luck!

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

28 Feb

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So I was watching another true crime show…(I know, I know, not another one!) and it got me thinking.  It was called “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” and it was several different stories about non-traditional ways women have left their men. 

One story was about a stripper who stabbed the woman her husband was cheating on her with, with an ice pick (after she stabbed her husband in the face with a pair of scissors!).  Did I mention the woman she stabbed was pregnant…? With her husband’s child!?  I know it’s hard to keep up, but the woman was asked to carry a child for the married couple because the wife couldn’t have children anymore.  It was a sticky situation.  Needless to say, it ended badly. 

Another story was about a man who was cheating on his wife and had four other girlfriends.  They all found out about each other.  One woman asked the man to meet her in a hotel room, and when he got there, she tied him to the bedpost and blindfolded him after he stripped down.  Lying in bed in his boxers, blindfolded, he was aroused and excited.  Unfortunately for him, the other women all came into the room and they put him on blast and basically b*tched at him for being such a snake.  Before they left, one woman glued his penis to his stomach.  That’s one way to teach a man a lesson, I guess.  Ouch!  How embarrassing!  He was taken to the hospital where Doctor’s removed his…err..member from his stomach.  He left with a little more than a bruised ego; he claimed erectile dysfunction after the incident. 

These stories got me to thinking…maybe I’ve been a little too nice all these years.  Ever notice how men call us “psychotic”, “irrational”, “bat sh*t crazy”, after we break up?  I think I’ve been pretty damn normal this whole time.  But they always refer to us as “my crazy ex-girlfriend….”

Okay, so maybe we are a little crazy.  But those stories made me feel a hell of a lot better about myself.  Sure, maybe I’ve thought about stabbing an ex-lover in the leg, but I’ve never actually done it.  Maybe I’ve cursed off a few men, but I’ve never killed someone, or rammed my car into theirs because they were trying to leave me.  I’ve never stabbed someone in the face with a pair of scissors.  So call me crazy, but I think they could have gotten off a hell of a lot worse. 

The moral of the story:

Men, maybe you should stop throwing the word “crazy” around so carelessly.  One day, you might wind up with a woman who actually is crazy.  (And no, that’s not a threat.)

::Side note: No men were harmed in the construction of this blog post::