Archive | December, 2013

Men Who Take Sh*ts like It’s An Experience.

23 Dec

To start off with this one, I want to just say that it’s probably a little outrageous and disturbing. But I can’t seem to get over the fact that when a man goes to take a sh*t, he sits in there for 30 minutes to an hour. What is this phenomenon? I have a theory. Or, several…

One. They’re pondering all of life’s mysteries, and sitting on the toilet helps them feel at ease with all of the stress and anxiety of the unknown. The closed door in the bathroom seems to close out all of their problems for that single experience. If he’s in there for two hours, he’s probably a really deep person.

Two. Maybe they have a nagging girlfriend or wife, and this is their ONLY alone time. Literally. If she doesn’t come in and ask him if he took out the garbage yet.

Three. Maybe they seriously are having a party in there.

Four. I’ve heard that taking a sh*t is the next best thing to having an orgasm. I don’t know why these two things are even compared or contrasted in a single statement because it feels dirty and wrong. I assure you, I didn’t make it up and I almost feel I should backspace and delete this one but it’s too late because admit it, it’s a little funny, even though it’s absolutely awkward to talk about and/or read for that matter. Did I just take it too far?

Five. Maybe, just maybe, they ran out of toilet paper. And they’re considering that old mantra ‘be a man, use your hand’, but there is a chance this may affect their self-worth in some way. And men are proud. They’d never tell us if they did…right?

Six. It’s a commitment, damn it! You said he never commits to ANYTHING!

*No men were harmed or tested in the making of this blog post. Toilet dreams are real. It’s happening. My apologies if I’ve offended anyone.


Phone Thugs

7 Dec


At my job I speak to countless people on the phone and I can’t help but wonder if some of them are as rude and obnoxious in person as they are on the phone.

Is it because they can’t see me or look into my eyes as they rattle off insults?

Is it easier to be rude on the phone because you don’t have to face someone?  Is it okay to take out your frustration on a random stranger who answers the phone?

Uhh, hell no.

I’d like to curse them off or remind them that it’s not my fault their life sucks in that one moment, but I’d be doing it almost all day and I just simply don’t have the time because I have to answer the next call that’s on hold because they felt like rambling on and on how I’m not satisfying their needs. So I just hang up on their stupid face and then curse repeatedly for thirty seconds.

Oh and yes, remember to repeat yourself three thousand times. That will definitely help matters. Because people listen so well.

Dealing with angry or unsatisfied clients is like trying to teach a dog how to play dead and fetch at the same time.


5 Dec


I read something recently about creativity. Where does it come from? Why do some people seem to have more than others? Is it something you can learn?

A creative writing professor once said that she can’t teach her students creativity or imagination. She could only teach them the necessities of what a story should consist of, like plot, character development, etc.

But, on the contrary, another artist said that anyone could learn how to master brush strokes in painting and learn the art of language. She said that humans are capable of learning anything in the world.

I can see both sides to this, but for me, I think creativity is something that everyone has. They might not use it in art forms like painting or literature, they might use it with numbers or math instead. Or maybe in mechanics or engineering. Maybe in science. Maybe they use it in coming up with unique presentations at work. Or shopping.

Hell, I think creativity can apply to just about anything. The important thing is that it’s individual. It’s the ideas that stem from within us. It’s how we turn ideas into something physical. It’s capturing a fleeting thought and turning it into something. 

I’ve heard people say “I’m not very creative” and my question is why are people so quick to doubt the fact that they are? The first step to gaining control of your creativity is to accept that it’s in you, even if you haven’t let it out yet.

I relate creativity to a certain divine intervention. It’s an unexplainable force, either from within us or all around us. You can decide which it is, or what it is.

All I know is it’s something that can’t really be pinned down or scientifically explained.

The New NA. (NaNoWriMo Anonymous)

5 Dec



So I’ve come to only one logical conclusion. 

There are so many of us who didn’t meet our desired word count for the month of November. I think we should consider making an organized effort to get all of us into one cyber room and discuss our feelings and anxieties of the entire stressful situation. 

It’s called PTND. Post traumatic NaNoWriMo disorder. 

It’s real. 

It’s here. 

And it’s affecting too many innocent civilians around the world. 

I ask.. Why?  Why did we join in the first place? Did we think it’d be fun to push ourselves to the limit? See how much we could write in 30 days? 

For me, I know I’ve written that amount before. Maybe it was different because I was writing on my terms. This time, the pressure I put on myself psyched me out. It took the fun of writing right the hell out of it. 

So let’s try this again:

December is our month to do it our way. Write as many or as little words as you f#&king want. Just make each of them count. 

Don’t write silly sentences for the sake of a word count. Write the words that matter. The ones that are going to give your story meaning and truth. 

Write something worth reading, damn it. Because we’re writers and that’s what we’re meant to do. 




NaNoWriMo…Take 2.

2 Dec

So NaNoWriMo has officially ended, and I sadly didn’t reach the 50k word count. Did you? My father and I are declaring December to be NaNoWriMo take 2. November was the practice month.

So, if you’re one of many who failed to produce your desired word count, don’t fret. You still have a chance to write a novel. Deadlines work well for some people, but not all of them. I’m both familiar and comfortable with deadlines, but the bottom line is I got stuck on Chapter 5 and the answer to my plot struggles simply haven’t come yet. But I have faith that they will.

Forcing words can sound wrong, but quitting on a project before it’s finished is just plain silly. Keep writing. Persevere. Don’t feel guilty (like I do) about not finishing those 50,000 words. It’s never too late to keep going.

So, join me. December 1st-December 30th. Let’s try to finish our novels people. Or hell, let’s at least start a damn good one.