Jealousy & Flowers

14 Feb


Jealousy, that good old green eyed monster that rears it’s ugly head constantly. Disguised by irrational ridiculousness, underneath is a big bundle of devotion. Remind your loved one of this the next time you flip out and go on a rampage cursing him/her off for looking at another person for two seconds longer than necessary.

Top Ten Ways to Get Over Irrational Jealousy

1. Stab him/her in the leg. Not enough to kill or actually hurt them, just enough to knock them off their feet for a minute so they can realize they’re pissing you off. Maybe punching them would be better, for the sake of not getting assault and/or attempted murder charges. (Side note: Avoid going to jail at all costs)

2. Pinch yourself in the arm, so you can realize what’s real and what isn’t. I can’t promise this will work, but at least it will take your mind off it long enough for you to bite your tongue.

3. Or…bite your tongue. Literally.

4. Strangle the other person involved so when their lips turn blue, they won’t be as attractive as they were prior to the choking incident. Unless, of course, they are a vampire and their lips are already a tinted blue. This would be counter-productive. Particularly because…they’ll kill you.

5. In case of the latter in step #4 being true…run. This will make you forget about any jealous feelings you had to begin with.

6. Slap your mate. Once. And hard.

7. Go for a run. And try to talk to yourself about what made you angry in the first place. You’ll get so out of breath you won’t even want to talk about it anymore. And the endorphins being released will make you happy once again. Maybe you’ll even catch a slight high. (Runner’s high.)

8. Take a few deep breaths and repeat the mantra “I will not be jealous. I will not be jealous. I will not harm people whether they are or are not innocent.”

9. If step 8 doesn’t work, and one or two people are not innocent, call Cheaters and catch those b%tches in the act (wearing some sort of animal costume, just for the sake of entertainment and a good story later).

10. Be single. I know this may seem like the loneliest option, but it’s the one and only method that will work.

Jealousy, one of the main hurdles we have to jump over to make a relationship work. If you can’t control your feelings, buy the other person flowers afterwards. Maybe this will make up for it a little bit. If it’s a man, buy him a stripper. Wait, never mind.

I once got jealous that a waitress gave my boyfriend an extra pickle. He only asked for one. Why did she give him two!? And slice them all cute? And stare at him lovingly while asking him if he needed anything else? This is how I saw it anyway. Until he pointed out that she was a lesbian. My response? “Just because she has short, spiky hair and walks like a man doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian!”

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Romantic Tip from the Pros: The best way to ask someone on a date for Valentine’s Day (or tell them, rather)…

“You’re my b*tch, so don’t make plans.” –AD


4 Responses to “Jealousy & Flowers”

  1. santhya February 14, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

    LMAO wow u had me crackin up here hahahaha , ok but WARNING KIDS DONT DO THESE THINGS Especially the beginning tips hahaha ok i think I’ve done most of these anyways 😀 they never worked dudes just got more psychotic and thats a problem lol. Anyways happy valentines fuck jealousy its one of the worst feelings ever so i try not even try to cross that path, and thats why I AM SINGLE hahaha

  2. santhya February 14, 2013 at 5:36 pm #

    fuck i keep getting excited and fucked up the whole comment lol ‘ so i dont even try to cross that path and thats why I AM SINGLE moooahahahhahaha

    • Daily Rants with the Bitch Next Door February 14, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

      ha ha ha ha..Santhya I was laughing the whole time I wrote this blog. Except the sad thing is, I was pretty serious. I realized I seem pretty violent and might need anger managmenet, but I hope everyone realizes I’m joking. I don’t endorse violent behavior.

      • TheDisfigured February 19, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

        Love makes us all crazy.

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